btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
