Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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