I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
