what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
