She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
