You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
