I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
