Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
