Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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