wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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