so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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