i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
