so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
