Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
