She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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