I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
