I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
