Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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