Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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