I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
