do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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