I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize