He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
