im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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