Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
