I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So much rum. So many feels.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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