LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
