Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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