There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
