Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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