she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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