Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
