They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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