You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
