She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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