Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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