i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
