I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
