peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
