im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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