just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
FUCK WHALES
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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