He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
