I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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