If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
