im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
