Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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