she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
