i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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