Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
