"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
