Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
