Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
