i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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